i crossed the line..

yeah.. i did crossed it...

and for that, i have just gotta lose it..

why did i do so.. ?

coz, nothing is more important than her..

bye bye, facebook.

agonising pain...

i hate compensations..

hate hate hate... !!!


why is there something in this world called temper...

maybe coz i have a bad one myself.. tats why i always feel the pain whenever she throws it on me.. :(

i almost experienced it!

been very busy lately.. thought i had times whereby could update my blog.. but, decided not to.. probably coz i chose to procrastinate! hahaha.. :D

anyway, had an outfield last week...

almost gotten foot rot...

both my feet was soaked in rain water for like close to 2 days la.. before i decided to take it out and squeeze off the water..

weather has been really really bad lately... they(meteorology) said tat it was due to some moist before blown over by the wind... thats why we are experiencing these short and sometimes heavy rainpours..

hahaha.. due to the rain, i think, i could label my outfield as one of the worst i have been through during my this 21 months in service ah...

and, due to the rain, i had flu and rashes on my feet!!! *bOohOo!*

now, after one week from the outfield... i'm sick again!!!

lots of phlegm in my throat... blocked nose.. and such... wa lao.. so sway.. :( :( :(

ahhh! someone just cut out my throat and clear the phlegm for me.. can?

a promise...

thats something which resulted me in waiting in the vehicle for 1hr..

not realising that there wasnt any fresh air flowing in with the air conditioning turned off, i stood there.. hoping that the promise will be met..

wanted to stay for a longer period.. but, my sense tell me.. maybe, there are other ways of doing it.. so, i turned back and headed up...

true enough, things could have changed.. but, due to my hasty movement to the vehicle, i left my phone, which was ringing, back at home..

for that, the whole story took a twist for the worse..

likewise from the past, felt that everything went wrong.. immediately, headed back to the veh.. wanting to head to places to look for her.. just to find out halfway thru that she is at home..

drove aimlessly.. aimlessly.. ended up at many places which i didnt know.. felt myself as a road hazard... so, decided to stop.. just to find out, ah.. at a reservior.. a place which we wanted to go together..

stayed there for quite sometime before deciding to plug all my courage to send a message out.. yet, to no avail in my hopes of any reply... so, i stood disappointed with what i hoped for..

so, i went on with my journey of senseless driving..

this is where i chanced upon a place called kent ridge park... looks pretty nice...

went to the dark corners of the park alone.. felt so cold and helpless.. stood there for a while as the cold breezes sweep pass my befallen face.. waking me up from my own world.. sending the chills down my spine..

as soon as i know, i was heading back to the veh... again, hopping into my senseless and aimless drive down the deserted roads...

before i know it, ended up at her place.. hoping to see her.. but yet, as much as i know, returned with negative results...

tat was when i know, its time to go.. i can no longer be so immature in my actions.. i should start doing what i ought to be doing.. not what my heart desires... but, what my mind tells me to...

looking forward for...

this is all i am looking forward for..

but, am afraid that when it comes, it will end fast!!!

i want to be together with u long enuff! *huGz*

valentines' day...

every year this day, i seem to be jinxed to being alone..

almost did not end up this fate.. but yet, it turned out different..

firstly, was being stopped from applying what i felt was a well deserved break from work.. judging from what seems pretty free for me.. yet, proved to be different...

there after, was rather resigned in my fate for the need to stay back... tried very hard to complete as much as i could... and, immediately after that, headed out to go see the one i hoped so much to see...

nonetheless, it took an adverse turn.. a turn which i never thought would have been...

probably, i hurt u too much.. always giving u the unfair treatment.. never once gave u the luxury of time.. always wanting this and that.. but yet, never failed to disappoint u..

i know i am selfish.. i know that i am insensitive.. but, by telling you that i was blinded by love, it couldn't rate up to a reasonable answer for the hurt i incurred on you..

but, the fact is i really am... the more i love.. the more i feel insecured... maybe that is what expectations are... the higher hopes you have, the more afraid u feel tat u will end up with nothing..

disagree? at least it is pretty true for me..

wanted so much to give you a surprise... a hug... and tell u wat was in my mind... but, never got a chance to...


sorry to hurt u... sorry for robbing your happiness away from you... i am truly regretful... :<

turbulence...

everything today seems to be of a roller coaster ride...

going down to the lowest... and after which, headed up... and, went down again..

oh my g~

of course, like anyone, i would like it always to be happy...

but, i really need to try harder..

like what i mentioned.. i really wanna "zhen xi yan qian ren"...

i dun want to miss out on her..

all i could remember, "guo le zhe ge zhan, mei you zhe ge che le"...

i dun want to put all these in my book of regrets...

so, i will do all i can to retain it...

even if it means going thru my lousy past.. be it good or bad, i just want her to know it all!

on top of all..

4 drops of tear..

1 smile..

amazed!

amazingly, i feel like settling down le...



just dun understand myself..



such spontaneous

first lesson of the lunar calender!

now, i finally understand what others meant by, "take my breathe away"...

coz, i m having the feel of it now...

dunno whether it is the health or mind affecting it...

but, ultimately, it does affect... >.<~

difference...

the mood is just so different...

i strongly doubt tat i have felt this way during the past r/s...

i just feel so affected...

even if it meant the slightest of all...

so wanna just close my eyes and stop thinking...

but, i cant... it just weights so much...

feel like i am be suffocated somehow...

the ache.. the lessen breathing counts... everything accumulating... >.<~

procrastinate..

been procrastinating ever since i came back from thailand..

wanted to do so many things.. but yet, like the title suggests, not achieving much...

oh well, blogging is one of them.. although, during one occasion, wanted to blog.. but, blogger was somewhat not responding..

anyway, am in camp now.. doing duty... hate it when i am already missing my family, my loved one and my everything so much but still, being put on duties.. this is probably what happens when people think that you have been slacking/enjoying while being attached overseas...

while surfing the net, i chanced upon this article which states "Pregnancy impairs memory"..

sorta left me thinking.. if thats the case, wouldnt it be much of disadvantageous to ur partner if you want to procreate?

wouldnt u be selfish to want set up a family.. ?

wouldnt it be sacrificial for ur partner even though she is agreeable.. ?

with that, maybe i shld think twice or even thrice before deciding to set up a family...

but, in the first place, is there someone willing to do this for u.. ?

with that, i asked myself.. and, the first thought was, "NO"...

hahaha.. didn't know why and how i derive to that answer.. maybe due to my current state of mind... doesnt look or seem healthy.. but, that is my thought now.. no denying at all...


nevertheless, just want to end this entry with a happy note.. Happy Chinese New Yr to all! May all good returns and bad begone! ;)

i must and i have to!

control!!!

have more self-control with my feelings and everything of me!

why.. ? coz, i find that there is a need for it...

I don't want to frighten her off... :X


Anyway, am going to Thailand for the rest of the month...

Gosh... Wanted so much to make a skip over it... But, no choice... was somewhat "forced" to go lah... :<


Lastly, just wanna say i miss her.. :)

Summarizing 2007...

Been quite some time since i last blogged.. As such, i think, for my this long-awaited entry onto my digital diary, it should be slightly longer as from the norm.. :P

So, beware! =P

Alright... as per the a/b mentioned... i think, i should highlight on the key events/memories of what happened in 2007 on me... (at least they are the ones that are still in my mind.. :P)

Hmmm... start of the year... I think on January

Went Taiwan for my finale stint at School of Armour... was really a tiring one.. especially the cleaning up session spent there.. Wa.. can die lah... make me feel so like a slave... doing all the cleaning and such.. Please lor.. i don't even clean up my room... what do you expect much? :P

The time at Taiwan was really a highlight sia.. Braving the cold weather.. learning how to appreciate the people around me, my section mates.. my platoon mates.. my course mates.. wa... really miss the time there.. :X

Weather was tat cold till training was cancelled... the sleepless nights... the nights which make me feel like a bangala... Hahaha... too bad i don't have a chance to show u the photos of the bunk.. you will be shocked for sure!

The night after the range... My conversation with my follow section mate was overheard by my Plt Sgt... HAHAHA! damn funny lah... stupid Shengyuan.. Lucky enough for both of us... My Plt Sgt find it more of humourous than offensive.. :D

One more thing about the Taiwan training... saw a dog which was badly hurt by a stupid civilian car driver.. it was so badly hurt till i could see its leg's bone sticking out lor... Although it is just an animal, but, my heart still went out to it... so poor thing lah... so wanna help it... but, i cant... not within my discretion to do so...

Ah!!! And, the R&R at Taiwan.. wah lao!!! So nice lah!! Was on a shopping spree there lor... Spending so simply... My first time doing such big spending on clothings lor... On top of that, sneaking out during the night to go have a "taste" of Taiwan's night life... was really impressive... an eye opener, indeed! :P


Next went along during on Feb, was my passing out parade from the School of Armour..

Finally.. after 5mths of rigorous training, i am getting the three stripes which took me nearly 10mths to achieve... a new chapter of begins when one closes in...

The 5mths... many things happened... from the navigation exercises... to the dirty job of maintaining my vehicle.. onto the moments of laughters in the bunk... lastly, to the tiring times during outfield... everything seems so detailed in my mind... making it all feels like happened just yesterday...

But, it was all rewarded with a merit award during my passing out parade... the Silver Bayonet.. nothing big deal.. but, at least, it was an affirmation over the efforts i have given in during the close-to-half-yr time there...

Most importantly, the friends i make back then.. making it all feel so worthwhile... Great people... great companions.. and great buddies in times of need! :)


Straight after passing out, seeing my friends all being posted to active units, i was the only one whom headed out from my vocation into another...

Went to Air Force to learn how to fly...

Looking back at this short period of time, the application didn't come easy...

Remembering the moment i tried my luck on the application back in my days at Tekong... till the moment i stepped into it, it took me more than 11mths to do so! Not forgetting, the 6 test tube of blood samples they drew from me... and, that little bottle of my waste... HAHAHA... all seems so worth it back then... :X

Finally signed onto the dotted line confirming my vocation as a "Pilot Trainee" just days before my birthday during the late moments of April...

Getting to know the culture of Air Force was already a cultural shock back then... From the Physical training emphasis i received during my time in the Army to the Mentally based training i get from the Air Force, it all feels so different..

Spent half a month of my time in Air Force School... Waaa... really hoped that i get such a lifestyle for the rest of my NSF days... :D

Everything was more of a self-disciplined mode unlike the time of superior-supervision treatment i received during the early part of the yr... Hahaha...

Initially, i dreaded the feeling of needing to know new people at Air Force School... but, it all turns out good... coz, i got to know 5 main different souls there... of course, there were like a few side-kicks lah... but still, i think i should mention this 5 souls i got acquitted to...

Ervin, an very capable person... Very self-disciplined... Knowing what is and have to be done everytime we looked upon him... Great personality... Tats no doubt why he gotten the Sword of Honour eh.. Anyway, on a personal note, "Hope you are doing well back in the Force... must achieve for what you set out for... Don't make it an effort wasted like how i did... And, can you kindly tell Ralph that you need not have him to teach you anymore? Hahaha... on top of that, let him put a stop to his childish comments which he forwarded to you during Stage 1 ba... (i don't want to teach you already.. you fly yourself!) LOL.."

Daren, a very street smart person... who gets a hold of technology quite well... Hope you are doing good at your current vocation... Although you didnt get what you achieved, it doesnt bode misfortune, ok? Who knows... you might get to be a commercial pilot one day.. ? Look forward for the better... :) Lastly, i wish you all the best that will happen to you and your gf... :)

Zames, Zzzzzzz-ames~ Speedy Tay~ Hahaha... yes.. you still owe us a song(i dont count the one you sang back in the church... coz, it was dedicated to all... not us exclusively.. :X)... Heh heh... Likewise to what i mentioned to Ervin... Hope you get what you want! Get me those wings!!! (*Psss... if possible, get me one for remembrance sake...? :P) Stay positive always... ok? You are doing fine and great there! And, when you get married, remember to invite me hor.. ;) (PS: Yes.. i know i still yet to get the CD from you... will do so soon... hahahah... :X)

Nicholas, the quietest of us all... Hahaha... What to say about this guy.. ? Errr... but actual fact, i find you very intelligent... Knowing of what you want... and what you set out for... Maybe, the time at Air Force wasnt what you were looking for... But, i am very sure that you will achieve the high of your life outside... Finish ur time in the Army one piece, ok, combatant!? :D

Last but not the least, Ashley... Eh, pharmacist-to-be... the super mugger of our batch... HAHAHA... can also be considered the closest to me during my time there... Hahaha.. really enjoyed the time at the recruitment centre, school and air grading centre with you... Yup... remembering the moments whereby we were networking with each other on Winning Eleven even when we are in our individual room's toilet... HAHAHA... was really fun... another thing... Middlesbrough is still losing out to Manchester United... we are just so gonna trash your team lor.. :D

Then, it all came to the moment i took the flight to the Air Grading Centre... Australia, Tamworth...

Was much more of happy than nervous when i embarked onto the journey...

But, it all turned to a nightmare when i arrived there...

Shall not mention on what happened... just that, it slowly make me realise that the life i looked upon to during the 10mths as an NSF was what i perceive now as an illusion...

And, yes, i dropped out... whether by coincidence prior to my decision above or any other things, it all boils down to much of *Oops~* :D

Coming on to June... did my exit from Air Force and back to Army... had a somewhat "final" gathering with the above mentioned friends... meeting most of their other halfs... and of course, inclusion of Melissa, our young and RICH psycho... hahaha... yes.. i still think that she is rich lor... Fancy driving a RX-8... at such a young age... wa lao... who will believe you are drawing a miser pay!? LOL... :D


On came July... my entry to the current unit... Hahaha... very dreadful but still, didnt have the luxury of choice... ended up into a combat unit... :X

First person which i encountered? Chris... Hahaha... the disruptee from service... the already-in-the-force since 2003 guy... Hahaha... frankly, he dont look like the rich kid he is lor... But, the eventual fact, he is from a much well-to-do family...

Although, i must say, his mentality is much of a difference from my.. but yet, to each of his own... i wish you all the best in Australia man... make it big... and, one day, i shall visit you there! heehee... :D

Met many good souls at my current unit... from the previous superiors, Cpt Ho, Staff Chris(Although quite debate-able of us capabilities...), Staff Ong, JG, Ben Ben, Binghan, Martin, ZiXian, Yanxiang, William, Tuangster(U know who you are...), YS and, yes.. wont forget you lah, "Lin Jia Xiao Hai"... plus many many others... it was really nice working with you all... although there were moments of toughness and slackness in both mix, i still enjoyed... as such, lets look forward for better times up ahead, ok!?


Lastly, .... my time from November 9th till now... met with the special her...

Bring my mood into a roller coaster ride... Having the Ups and Downs... although i must say, most of the time, it was at the Ups... :D, but, the times of Downs really brought me to the rock bottom...

December 24th-25th... Our first Christmas outing... at the we-both-know-where location.. was really a pleasant one.. Walked through the path 2 times in total.. Hahaha... so nice... never felt walking at that time at that place would feel so great..

December 28th... Ah... lovely moment at the again-we-both-know-where location... Heh heh... remember to take good care of the "witness" over our start.. k? ;)

Like what we both said, it all happens so unexpectedly... so, let us bring it on to an expectedly happy picture, ok?

I know it isnt easy or fair for you... having to wait for some many period of time... from small(China) to big ones(Thailand, Australia)... nevertheless, i hope we both go through these together... must try... alright?

Looking forward onto many many more Ups with you... :)



As such, i guess, i will end this entry... it is quite long enough, isnt it... ? So much so that i am sorta lazy to read it through before publishing it... so, bare with all the tenses mistake and such... :)

low self esteem...

it is in me...

fast? slow?

completed 4 duties commitment starting from deepavali till last tuesday...

which means, in a space not more than 20 days, i completed 4 duties which includes 1 weekend, 1 public holiday and 2 weekdays..

wooohooo.. leaving me just 2 more duties to cover from now till early december.. and, after which, i will be saying good bye to duties! at least for the whole of 2007 lah.. :P


oh well, things have been pretty hectic for me..

from the numerous duties i need to perform... the shitload of work commitments given by my higher command... u wont believe what i have been through under the wraths of this horrible person i am under.. -_-"

hate it when people just simply "tai-chi" their commitments and responsibilities away..

the worst of all... still can go around slacking while others are slogging their lungs out... omg... how well he have carried himself as someone i shld be looking up upon.. tsk tsk tsk...

anyway.. i am home now!

came back home for two reasons...

first of all, needed to change my bodyfoam... as i suspect the one i have been using in camp is causing me some skin allergy... making me itch terribly... the itch is so bad that i just simply scratch and scratch and scratch throughout... so much for its "anti-bacteria" capability... killing the bacteria... yet, giving me skin irritation... whats the point.. ?

next, wanted to buy a new hp for me... it is on promotional pricing for today and tmr...

thinking i could get myself a good pre-christmas pressie... but, to my dismay, i didnt get it eventually...

wanted it since it came into the market... nevertheless, still got to give it a miss even though it is such a completely nice deal... :<

and, for that, i guess, my night is totally ruined... *sighz*

still harping on it...

recently, around my surroundings, there are many friends of my are involved in relationships..

so, lets talk abit about it..

how much can one individual be in love with another?

so much so that it starts to change one's personality?

this is exceptionally true to many guys out there..

why do i say so.. ?

well, coz, it sorta implies for me too..

when it all started, two comes together as a complete stranger..

may it be through studying, by introducing from another friend.. or even as a complete unacquintance state, friendship is always the first stage of all..

being friends, many things can be done..

they can talk about the earth... the sky... even the simplest things around them..

they joke together.. laugh together.. goes to an outing together.. basically, anything under the sun..

and, when Cupid strikes, things change...

the laughter they used to have, will only apply through the "honeymoon" period.. even if there is any at a later part of the relationship, it will be of its minimal..

why does such a thing happen?

well, the only deduction i can come out with.. probably, feelings change... and through changes, people will try to adapt..

when such a situation occurs, things become much more different as it used to be..

as now, feelings come into play, every single action, both party will have to consider much more before they take action.. as fear of offending the other party becomes main priority..

as far as any lovers are concern, they will try their very best to think of everything in the best interest of the other... and, therefore, the so-called "best interest" is being derived from each individual's perception of happiness...

but, bear this in mind.. not everyone's happiness is the same..

some, being simple, even the slightest and simplest thing can make his/her day... but, for others, it might need much more than just a normal effort to achieve..

so, at the point of time whereby they become very conscience of what they are doing, they might inevitably hurt their partner w/o knowledge...

why do i say so.. ? well, everyone have their own defination of happiness.. as i mentioned above.. a simple action can be derived as candid.. but, to the other? it might turn out to be offensive..

a lack of understanding in this case? yes...

but, how much do you understand about yourself?


sighz.. in conclusion... relationship is just too complicated to be trifled ard with!

but!!! as human... we are just simply looking for trouble..

the more we yearn for it, even though knowing the danger which lies within, we still go ahead with our heart's desires...

in chinese, this is known as "犯渐" ! wait.. is this the "jian" i am referring to.. ? hahaha..

pardon me for my lousy chinese! :P


ps: no! i am not attached or somewhat.. coz, not attractive enuff.. hahaha...

just wanna update...

was thinking about this a few days ago...

what do guys usually see in gers.. ?

and, what is the main criteria of guys being attracted to gers.. ?

alot of guys will simply say, "Inner Beauty"...

come on.. lets be frank.. looks are very important too.. right?

hahaha.. so, being the lame me.. i found an excuse guys can give if they fancy looks more than the so-called inner beauty...

well... like many would say... Inner Beauty is the upmost importance... and, Physical Beauty is just a bonus...

and, tada... yes! that is the point one can bring out..

for instance, playing a game.. in order to achieve the objective(i.e. completing the game/quest), one have to go through many many bonus stages first before coming to an end..

So, it applies here...

firstly, to achieve a good relationship, you must first get the bonus! and, tats why many guys out there are plainly going for looks first.. before checking out the so-called inner beauty...

hahaha... damn.. i am being crappy here...

just that it has been too long since i last updated... so, i decided to utter some rubbish and show that i still remember the existance of this blog... hahaha.. :D

one other thing... recently, i have been chatting with this friend of my...

like chatting with her.. coz, through her, somehow, i will just try to use proper language.. that is of coz, english..

for that, it sorta makes me feel clever and nice.. :D

alright.. times up for all these bullshits to end.. will update if there are any more big happenings..

cheerios! :)

outta the red...

hmmm... red instead of blue?

yeah..

that signals something bad is gonna happen if this goes on..

yes yes yes..

recently, things have been coming up to me one after another..

first, it was the "shopping" of post-army pick-up-studying-again syndrome..

it isnt an easy decision to make, k..

it is like a decision which will cost u tons of $$$... might even get you into debt even before you start making a regular income back into your pocket... so, it sorta take up a toll of me...

next, came along the need to save up...

oh man.. this isnt an easy part too.. especially when i am so used to spending freely, although i still make an effort to save up la.., now that i need to think of what is gonna happen as far as 7mths later.. hai.. how much can i save? or, should i ask, how much can i control my spending? it is so difficult to be stuck in a budget.. it makes me feel so bad when my friends have already decided on a dinner place.. yet, me, shouting in caution over my small and miser portion of spending power left..

makes you feel lousy at times... but, i also cant hide the achievement i felt when i see the digits in my bank acct jumping up.. (though i still find the "jumping" is rather tamed...) hahaha...

and lastly, the thing i am thinking now... hard to put it in words... but, like what i just read at someone's blog,

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens... but, will you decide to look back at the closed door or head towards the new one?"

If only looking at the new direction would be that easy... and yes... feel so emo now! >.<

one after another...

another week has passed~!

sounds nice.. sounds good... sound fabulous... !

coz, every little week passed is equivalent to one more week lesser in service!

grinZ~

it is so contradicting... thinking back... before my enlistment, i was so looking forward into getting myself into service..

but now, every single day in it, i just simply feel it is damn long...

many things have changed ever since i took my first step into army..

physically, mentally and even my way of thinking!

well, probably, this is the process which everyone has been talking about...

the process of changing a boy into a man...

nothing much.. nothing less..

looking back, there is no doubt tat army taught me many things...

many things that are beneficial to me...

be it physically, or mentally... it does help me eventually to become a better man... ~


enough with it...

come to think abt it, it has been super long since i last pampered myself..

so, i gonna buy this sunglasses which i saw at my current camp..

those army kind... find it quite nice.. although the price is pretty steep... nonetheless, just gonna let me feel better somehow by getting it.. =P

actually, nothing much to update lah.. just that, the course i am attending now is kinda boring.. ~ :D